I sit here typing away, waiting for several files to upload to Deviant Art. While I wait, I listen to the sounds of the Mighty Wurlitzer, a beast of an instrument from another time. I find this both comforting and slightly unnerving.
Let me start with why this is unnerving. The Mighty Wurlitzer has existed for many decades now, longer than I have to be sure. It's name blurred into history by more modern names like Moog & Yamaha. Yes, they are much more familiar with the sensation of music coming from a keyboard. But the Mighty Wurlitzer has a name that few have forgotten, it persists on the quality of its name. Not to be ground down by time, it plays on.
The comfort is in that is has NOT been ground down, finding it's place in our consciousness. It keeps at what it does best, the Mighty Wurlitzer IS still there.
These thoughts are struggling with themselves in my mind lately. Managing to exist, and not be forgotten. Being known to exist while also accomplishing what you set out to do. My mind is weighed down by what I have not done. I have found a stride for my life, an easy walk, but not the one I set out to take. I am able to do what crosses my path much of the time, but am left feeling empty because these are not the chores I set out to do. While I walk this path, I look around, over my shoulders sometimes, but mainly just trying to get a glimpse of the other walk, the one I had intended to take. I wish I was there instead, yet find myself a bit afraid that I might actually suddenly get there. For I no longer have the confidence in doing the tasks associated with that particular walk. I peer in other directions, seeing more walks I could be taking too. Those walks are just about as intimidating, for I will need different skills, in which I find my mind ever more stubborn to acquire. That alone is a frighting thought, that my mind has given up on me, seeking a less cumbersome walk. I have walked a trail with little to keep me engaged to thinking. I do not like my stubborn mind, accustomed to lethargy, it was not my way of doing things even a few short years ago.
So I find myself thinking of things that I have let happen. Not liking the choices that have got me here, nor enjoying the ones that lay ahead.
With this now out of my head, maybe I can go and get some sleep.
